Punched in the Firewire Port
by TroiiB6J9
Summary: A new ensign disrupts things aboard the Enterprise while a crisis involving The Crystalline Entity erupts simultaneously. Complete.


"Ensign Guiles Raspen, sir. I've just graduated from Starfleet Academy. You know what they say about that test, 'third time's the charm'!" Guiles charismatically said as he introduced himself to Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

"Ah, Ensign Raspen, charmed." the captain said, reaching a hand out to the new recruit. "I did not pass the test on my first try either, you know. Welcome to the USS Enterprise-D. We are thrilled to have you amongst one of the finest crews in the galaxy."

"Thank you, sir. I assure that you will not be disappointed by my performance in any way." Guiles replied, smiling warmly.

"Why don't you introduce yourself to the rest of the crew, if you have not done so already?"  
>"I've actually already done so sir, but I could not find the whereabouts of Lieutenant Commander Data. Do you know where he is?"<p>

"Hm, that's strange, last I heard he was on the holodeck with Mr. LaForge."

"From what Lieutenant Commander LaForge told me, he was no longer speaking to Lieutenant Commander Data, and seemingly did not know where he had gone off to."

"Ah, why didn't you just say so? He is probably with his cat, Spot. Just head down that corridor and give him a ring. I'm certain he'd love to meet such a charming new crew member!"

"Aye, sir! Thank you sir!"

Guiles moved quickly through the ship; his face beaming with excitement on his first day as a part of the Enterprise's crew. His uniform was cherry red and his communicator was perfect, shiny, and most importantly, brand new. His dark black hair was neatly combed, with just a few hairs casually out of place. As he approached the door to Data's room, he gave it a ring, and those cute little beeps he grew fond of sounded.

"Ensign Raspen, Lieutenant Commander Data sir."

"Ah, very good, come in please!"

Data was, as Picard predicted, with his beloved orange kitty, Spot. "You are Guiles Raspen then, correct? I am pleased to meet you, though you'll have to forgive Spot – she doesn't seem to like new comers very much." Guiles nodded and smiled awkwardly, trying to politely ignore Spot's attempts to rip his legs open. Data picked up spot and placed her away from Guiles and tried to carry on a conversation with the young Ensign. "Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself? What are your hobbies?" the android curiously inquired.

"Well, I actually really like cats, and have one back home with my parents. His personality is quite different from Spot's, though!" he chuckled, trying to appear amicable to the android, who was completely different from anything he'd encountered back on Earth. "I also love singing and acting. What about yourself, sir?"

"I am quite interested in humans, and what it means to be human. Acting and singing are things I would love to experience. I'm sure you know that as an android, I am incapable of doing such things. But I do try them to become more human, though I don't often succeed." the android remarked somewhat bitterly.

"Well, couldn't you just install an emotions chip or something like that? I'm sure you would be a great actor!"

"I am afraid it is not that simple. You see th-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Data and Guiles received a message from commander Riker: "We have reason to believe that The Crystalline Entity is not only in our area, but coming for us. Report to the bridge immediately." Guiles seemed both puzzled, and panicked. He started for the door alongside Data, curiously asking, "What is 'The Crystalline Entity', exactly?" Data replied bluntly, "It is a snowflake-shaped body that has warp speed capabilities and has the ability to strip all life from a planet or starship. It recently attacked the planet Omicron Theta and did just that – thousands of deaths are attributed to its actions."

Guiles seemed disturbed upon entering the bridge, but did his best attempt at looking collected (his best being rather poor). He wanted to trust the Enterprise, as well as her crew, but as it was only his first day aboard and he was already facing a crisis situation, he couldn't help but feel deeply frightened. "Captain, where do y-you want me?" He was beginning to succumb to violent trepidation in asking this, causing Picard to furrow his brow. "Ensign Raspen, just get to sickbay and try not to fuck anything up. This is very dangerous, and we cannot have a young graduate caught in the crossfire!"

"A-aye, sir!" Guiles replied before darting to find Dr. Crusher for further instruction. Dr. Crusher, and her son, Wesley, were preparing patients for the possibility of the entity attacking the Enterprise. Guiles meekly approached the doctor, struggling to find words to say. However, upon noticing someone was staring at her ass, Beverly looked up at him. "Ensign Raspen, did the captain send you here?" she inquired. "Y-yes m-m'am." Guiles said nervously as he reached a scarred hand to his head, playing with a lock of hair.

"Mhm, well, I need to get some work done, so why don't you and Wes head for cover while this blows over?"

"Wesley? I don't believe I've met with him yet…"

"Oh I'm sure you'll both get along wonderfully! He's the only ensign here that is similar in age to you, plus you'd have so much to talk about! Oh, Wesley? WESLEY!"

Wesley looked up from the plant he was comforting and ran to his mother's side. "Yes, mother dearest?"

"Wes, will you accompany Guiles here while this little thing with The Crystalline Entity blows over?

"Oh golly, I'd love to mother! Come on Guiles, we can go hang out in the holodeck—I've got lots of time saved up so we can have a big adventure!"

Wesley was beaming as he skipped to the holodeck alongside Guiles, who seemed to limp along, though that was really just his strange gait. Wesley turned back to make sure his friend was still following him, "It'd be hard to get bored on this ship," he said, "what with the holodeck, beasties and monsters, and androids!" Guiles perked up immediately, and curiously replied, "Androids? There are more than Lieutenant Commander Data on this ship?"

"Well, sure! I mean, I guess there's only one other one, but his name is Lore. He's Data's older brother, but he looks exactly like Data because they were built by the same guy. The only difference is that Lore has an emotion chip and Data doesn't, but I heard from Data that Lore wasn't supposed to have that chip – like, his circuits aren't capable of it or something. We can go find him if you want to, since Data is busy!"

"Really? Th-that would be great!" Guiles seemed to be absolutely fascinated with androids; creatures who were almost nonexistent where he was from, things he had only read about in the few books he bothered to open. As the pair continued down the hall to find Lore, the ship began to face some turbulence. "What the hell was that?" Guiles yelled. Wesley looked equally startled, "The shields are probably up right now, which means the entity is right on top of us! We better hurry!" Running to find Lore, the two found him using a strange device, unknown to them, to communicate with someone.

"USS Enterprise-D shields can be overcome; u-"

"Lore?" Wesley said stupidly.

"Should not you children be doing more important things than interrupting me? I am quite busy, you know."

"W-well who are you communicating with?"

"I think 'what' would be a more appropriate question. Do you not agree, Ensign…?"

"Raspen, Ensign Guiles Raspen. And…I suppose so?"

"Yes, you suppose correctly. You see, I am an ally of the entity, and I directed it here so that it may feed upon this ship and all life forms, and ultimately rid me of that wretch Data once and for all."

"But why do you want to kill your own brother?" Wesley asked, puzzled.

"Simple, really. You see, our father comprised me of circuits that were poor in comparison to Data's – I soon became the less-loved older child of our family. When I found an emotion chip designed for Data, I installed it myself so that I may use it and prove that I am better than he is and ever will be. Data is fearful of this chip, but it gives me superiority amongst not only humans, but androids as well. I am able to perform more quickly, more efficiently than any human or android can, yet still have the function to do things that humans do. And now, both of you will die!" Lore exclaimed as he reached for a phaser near his communication device.

"WAIT!" Guiles cried out, "You said that…you can do anything a human can do. Are you…fully functional in every way, then?"

"Why yes, of course."

"Well…uhm…if I…if I…"

"If you what, Ensign Raspen?" Lore said impatiently, now holding the phaser up to Guiles' chest.

"If I were to fuck you, would you forget about this whole ordeal?"

"I think that can be arranged, my boy." Lore slowly and deliberately placed the phaser on the floor and lead Guiles into a separate room. Fearing for his life, Wesley ran out, screaming and flailing his arms, all the way to the bridge. "Lieutenant Commander Data! Lieutenant Commander Data! Lore's here and he'sanallyoftheentityandnow he'sgoingtodestroyensignraspen'sbutthole AND, AND, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" Wesley sobbed. "Lore is here? How did he get onto the Enterprise?"

"I I I DON'T KNOWWWWUUHHHHH!"

"Well, that's all I can ask of you Ensign Crusher, now go return to your mother. The entity is being held off with relative ease thanks to the new shields, so things should remain under control while I deal with this situation."

Data marched off at a decent clip, looking for where Lore was. After hearing blood-curdling screeches of pain and agony, he checked a room in the depths of the Enterprise. He burst in, trying to find the source of the racket, where he found Lore and an Ensign Raspen, bent over the dining table and bleeding profusely out his ass. Data without thinking fired his phaser at his brother, though his phaser was on a relatively low setting, so Lore wasn't completely destroyed. With as much concern as he could muster, he helped clean up Guiles. "Ensign Raspen, was this voluntary? I have never seen such an act before." Guiles simply nodded, biting his tongue.

Some time after the events featuring Lore and The Crystalline Entity, things aboard the Enterprise seemed relatively back to normal. Guiles was with Data, as he often was, since the attack. Both were enjoying the company of not only each other, but Spot, who gradually warmed up to Guiles' awkwardness and big nose.

"Guiles", Data said, "would it be all right for me to talk to you about that time you were with Lore during The Crystalline Entity's attack?"

"Well, yes, of course Data. You're one of my best friends here – what exactly were you curious about?"

"I do not understand the actions you were doing with Lore. You said it was voluntary, but it appeared to be extremely painful, which worried me. Why would you say that was okay to do?"

"It's simple, Data, I wanted to protect Wesley and the rest of the crew from Lore's actions, so I volunteered myself. It's not all bad, lots of people engage in that sort of behavior on their own planets."

"Intriguing…would you be able to explain more of this to me, Guiles?"

"Um…yes, sure. Generally, when it is done for the most pleasure, it starts like this." Guiles then leaned in and gently kissed his android companion. Seemingly, it was a platonic action.

"Why would a kiss lead to something so painful, then? That is generally a very soft and gentle form of affection known throughout the universe…"

"Eh…erm…well, you know what sex is, don't you?"

"Why but of course! What would that have to do with this conversation?"

"Well, there are different ways for people to go about doing so…"

"I'm still not completely sure I understand, Guiles. This doesn't quite add up for me."

"I…I guess I could show you."

"Really? Are you sure that would be alright, Guiles?"

"Yes, of course! It's not very difficult at all. Like I said, it starts like this…" Once more, Guiles instructed Data on a kiss, and slowly lead him through the rest of the steps to his plan. Data was intrigued by all of this, and by the end of it, was unsure what to think about himself.

"If I were capable of feeling pleasure, I believe that would have done it, Guiles. It was lovely, but I just don't understand why I have never heard of this before."

"Well, in many cultures, it is considered to be taboo."

"But why?"

"For many reasons…some people just don't like the idea of androids bending men over to have sex with them. It's just not something everyone feels comfortable with, even in this day and age."

After watching all of this transpire, Picard zipped up his pants and continued to steer the Enterprise for the nearest remaining Block Buster.


End file.
